Unbalanced
It has been a year since my surgery, a lumpectomy to remove the cancerous lump embedded deep within the dense tissues. Although the whole diagnosis of my cancer happened because I questioned my weight gain, my weight has been continuing to increase without a break ever since the great quarantine bakeathon. Somewhere, something has to change.
At this point, I am beyond reading ten things you should do for weight loss and activating MyFitnessPal again. Noom was a no-go, especially after their whole questionnaire was aimed at making me believe that my self-worth is lowered because of my weight gain. Gym or group classes weren’t explored either, given the low immunity following radiation.
What next?
All those steroids during chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery are not going to undo their effects themselves. I am at an age where it’s easy to gain and hard to lose. To add to the misery, I am on hormone blockers that also contribute to weight gain. This afternoon, I met with a nutritionist to address my BMI and the changing size every season. It’s time to take control of my health and make changes that will support my well-being.
The nutritionist asked me what’s my usual weight, and how much have I gained?
That’s an interesting question, considering I am at the heaviest I have ever been, including any of my pregnancies. Before it felt like a problematic gain, my weight was almost forty-five pounds less than where I am right now. It’s like I’m carrying a first-grader on my shoulders every day, and it feels just as yuck on the inside as it does on the outside. Unfortunately, I am no longer able to exercise at the same intensity as before my diagnosis, no matter how much I want to push myself mentally. Walking for a few minutes is all I can manage, along with some stretches using resistance bands while watching TV.
My doctor felt that I was being too hard on myself during our appointment yesterday. She reminded me of everything I have been through in the past year and advised me to give myself some grace. She encouraged me to applaud myself for surviving and to focus on thriving in due time. But it’s not easy for me to accept this advice, as I am constantly trying my best to reclaim my old life. Time and time again, I am shown that the life I am striving to regain is now history. It’s frustrating to come to terms with the fact that my body may not be capable of what it once three years ago, and that recovery may be a longer and more difficult journey than initially anticipated. I am grateful for my doctor’s reminder to be kind to myself and take it one day at a time, but I am also someone who likes to test the limits.
I need structure. I need a plan. I need someone to tell me to walk 10,000 steps a day and to do twelve reps of this exercise. When it comes to everything other than nutrition and exercise, I am a self-starter. I am totally motivated to stay on my path and make progress. But, when it comes to these two aspects of my health, I need milestones, and I need guidance.
Today, I finally accepted that although the internet is full of resources for me to do this myself, I do need the help of another human to support me on this journey. Hopefully, my nutritionist will be able to provide me with the structure and plan that I need to achieve my goals.
I find myself stuck in a vicious cycle.
My job is incredibly stressful, and it feels like it never ends. In turn, this stress leads me to seek comfort in food, sometimes making unhealthy choices. As the day wears on, exercise falls to the bottom of my priorities, leaving me feeling even more drained and lethargic. This lack of physical activity, combined with the constant stress, makes it difficult for me to sleep well at night. And so, the cycle continues. As much as I take pride in my work, there are times when I question whether or not I am stretching myself too thin. Am I addicted to stress? This is a question that I will have to explore another day. For now, I know that I need to break this cycle before it spirals even further out of control.
It’s not easy, but I know that taking care of myself is important if I want to continue to excel at work and in life.
